Never Easy
by LadyofDodge
Summary: Matt poured another shot of the amber liquid and stared into the smoky room. An ATC for the season 19 episode, The Town Tamers.


NEVER EASY

**NEVER EASY**

**ATC for "The Town Tamers," Season 19**

Disclaimer: No ownership, no profit; just love and nostalgia for these wonderful characters.

Rating: PG13

Note: I could not find Hilt on a map of Kansas, and a Google search revealed only Hilt, CA. So for purposes of this story, and because of a remark that Luke makes in the episode, I have determined that Hilt is in Kansas, not too far north of the Oklahoma border.

**Dodge City, Kansas**

Matt and Kitty, Festus and Doc sat drinking their morning coffee at the felt-covered table in the center of the Long Branch Saloon. Leaving the other two men to continue their usual exchange of good-natured barbs and insults, the quiet marshal rose from his seat. "Well, I'm sure gonna miss all this."

While he spoke to all of them, the steel blue eyes concealed beneath the big Stetson rested only on Kitty's perfectly sculpted face.

After Doc's sincere "Be careful, Matt," Kitty looked up into the face of the man who had held her heart for nineteen years. "After all this time, you'd think the good-byes would get easier, but they don't."

His eyes held hers as he nodded. "See ya in a couple weeks."

Kitty smiled valiantly at her friends as she watched the batwing doors swing closed behind him. She wasn't certain just how much Doc and Festus knew about the relationship between the big lawman and herself, but she thought they'd have to be mighty dense not to have figured a few things out after all these years. Still, she and Matt both kept up the public pretext and had privately said their real goodbyes earlier that morning.

Even now, her poker face softened as she remembered not only his words, but also the feel of him in her arms. She had uncharacteristically clung to him as he kissed her, her lips moving from his to the coarse fabric of his shirt as she buried her face into his broad chest.

_How long will you be gone?_

_Don't know...long as it takes...couple weeks, I guess._ _ You're not crying, are you? Because that's not the picture I want to carry with me...of you standing here with tears on your face because of me._

_But just like the stoic lawman she loved, Kitty Russell was an expert at hiding her emotions. She breathed deeply, both to steady herself and to inhale his scent._ _"No, I'm not crying, Cowboy...just making a memory to last me until you get back. Please be careful, Matt. They say Hilt is dangerous, wild even, and I hear they don't take too kindly to lawmen down there."_

_He eased her back a bit and smiled down into her incredible sapphire eyes. "Ah, Kitty. It's probably no worse than Dodge was when I first got here. It was pretty wild back then, and I wasn't the most popular man in this town, either. Besides, they're sending a good man to help me...'experienced,' the telegram said."_

_I hope so, Matt. Please, don't do anything foolish. I want you coming back to me in one piece._

_I want that, too, Kitty. Don't worry; I'll be fine._

**Hilt, Kansas**

**A few weeks later**

Matt's hand clasped Luke's. "We just got this danged town tamed down a bit, no point leavin' it without the law. I'll stick around until the new man can get here from Topeka. If you need anything, just send that boy of yours to find me."

Two nights later, Luke sought out Matt next door at the Squawking Jayhawk Saloon.

"What are you doing up and about already?"

"Hadda get out of that bed, Matt. A man can't just lay around all day doin' nuthin.'...makes him mighty thirsty, ya know."

Matt signaled for another glass and pushed the bottle of rye whiskey toward his old friend.

"Say, that was a pretty fast marriage, wasn't it? You never mentioned a woman two weeks ago."

Luke shook his head and grinned. "Nope, not fast at all, Matt. Just the opposite. I've known Martha for eight years...met her right after I got to Ft. Smith. Her husband was a soldier, killed on a scouting patrol. Caleb was just a baby. Martha and I met and, well, after a while things got started. She stuck with me, never asked for more than I could give, but I knew she wanted more--a father for Caleb, a husband, security. Guess that's what every woman wants."

Luke lifted the shot glass to his lips, shifting gingerly to settle his injured back and shoulder into a more comfortable position.

"Then about six weeks ago she said we were through. Oh, it wasn't completely unexpected. Like I said, I knew she wanted more. We talked. We argued. Maybe if it wasn't for Caleb she'd have been satisfied just being my woman, but..." He shrugged.

"Anyway, I got called up here. The day you left, I ran into her at the hotel. She'd packed up herself and the boy...they were heading for San Francisco, but Caleb insisted on seeing me one last time. Thank God she agreed. They had a two-day wait here in Hilt. We talked again and she left again. I finally came to my senses and caught up with the stage at the Elbow Creek relay station...brought her back here and we got married that same night." He chuckled. "Got the reverend out of bed to perform the ceremony. The next morning Caleb brought us breakfast in bed along with a message that two men over in the cafe wanted to see me about taking back their town. You know the rest."

Matt nodded, poured another shot of the amber liquid and stared into the smoky room.

_...what every woman wants...what every woman wants...what every woman wants..._

**Dodge City, Kansas**

**Two weeks later**

U.S. Marshal Matt Dillon lay wide awake in the big brass bed. He raised one arm over his head and tried to staunch the flood of images rushing through his mind...images that spanned a period of nearly twenty-five years in the life of one of the West's most legendary lawmen. _**Legendary. **_The big man frowned. He certainly didn't think of himself as a legend, even scoffed at the very idea, but there were many who did, and therein lay part of the problem keeping him awake this night.

The other part of the problem was asleep in the warm circle of his left arm, her head pillowed on his massive chest, auburn hair streaming across them both.

Two hours ago he had slipped into her room and into her bed. She hadn't awakened completely, but had slid one hand expertly, lovingly over his large frame in a ritual she had perfected years before as a means of searching in the dark for new injuries to his already scarred and battered body. Satisfied that he was unharmed, she had nestled confidently into his strong arms and slept with one hand curled against his hip.

Now, as he angled his head to press a gentle kiss into her red curls, Luke Rumbaugh's words came back to him.

_That six bit piece of tin sure can cost a man a heck of a lot...a normal life, personal relationships, happiness, just to name a few._

All the way back to Dodge, with every beat of Buck's hooves, those words had reverberated in his head, causing him to spur the big gelding ever faster toward home...toward the light in that upstairs window...toward Kitty.

She stirred against his chest and he tightened his arm around her.

"Can't sleep? Is something wrong? You all right?"

The big lawman grinned in the dark and tried to answer the questions in the order they had been asked.

"No, no, and I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

Instead, she lifted her head and squinted at him through half-closed eyes. "Unh, unh, I'm not sleeping if you're not. I know something's going on in that handsome head of yours, so you might as well tell me about it. Is it bad?"

He kissed the top of her head and pushed out a deep breath. "No, not bad, just...uh...kind of unsettling."

She waited silently for him to continue.

"The man they sent down there to work with me was Luke Rumbaugh. You remember my telling you about him from the old days with Adam Kimbro?"

"Sure, I remember...Coffeyville, Johnson City...I always thought Luke must be a lot like you, just from things you said about him."

"l always thought so, too...no one I'd rather work with."

"That's wonderful, Matt. I'm glad you had someone you could trust."

"Kind of interesting...between when I first got to Hilt and when I went back the second time, Luke had gotten married, gotten shot and given up the badge."

"That was pretty fast, wasn't it?"

"That's what I thought, but Luke said he and Martha had been together for eight years. Then she decided to move to San Francisco and was just stopping in Hilt on her way west so her boy could say good-bye to Luke. Instead they ended up getting married. He got shot the next morning and took off the badge."

Kitty waited patiently in the silence that followed, knowing Matt was still working things out in his mind.

"I've been thinking, nineteen years is a lot longer than eight."

"There's that brilliant, deductive mind again," she teased as her hand tenderly smoothed the graying curls back from his forehead.

"I'm serious, Kit. It's a long time for a woman to be waiting on a man, waiting to see if he's going to commit to her, make it a permanent relationship."

"You're not talking about Luke any more, are you?"

"I'm talkin' about us, Kitty...about you. I know it hasn't been easy for you all these years."

She squirmed out of his arms and turned up the bedside lamp just enough to see his face. "Things worth having usually aren't easy to come by, Matt. And you were up front and honest with me from the very beginning. You told me how it had to be and I accepted that. I haven't stayed with you all these years because I've been waiting for you to commit to a permanent relationship. I've stayed with you because I love you. It's that simple...I love you."

"But have you been happy, Kitty? I mean, are you happy with the way things are with us?"

She paused before she answered. "Mostly I am, Matt. When we were on that train to Denver the other year, I said I wouldn't change one day of the time we've had together. And I still wouldn't...I wouldn't change one thing."

"But the things that have happened to you..."

She stopped him with a brush of her lips against his. "Could have happened to any woman at any time. You know that better than anyone, Matt...women are killed, beaten and worse every day out there on the prairie. Maybe some things did happen because I'm your woman, maybe not. We'll never really know, will we? So don't go feeling guilty all over again for events you had no control over years ago."

"I keep thinking about what he said--that Martha was going to leave him, going all the way to California to get away from him. She couldn't deal with it any more. You have to be so tired Kit...tired of waiting, tired of worrying."

"Matt, are you afraid that I'm going to leave you? Is that what this is about?"

"Kinda," he admitted as he drew her back down into his arms. "I love you so much, Kitty, so very much. I could try to change; I could try to be a different man if it would keep you here...keep you with me forever."

Stunned by his seldom voiced declaration of love, Kitty rested her cheek against his and answered softly, "Matt, I don't want you to change. The very qualities that make you so stubborn, so unyielding, are the same things I love most about you. I fell in love with a gentle, decent, honorable and incredible man, a man who put his dedication to the law he swore to uphold above everything and everyone else, including his own comfort and happiness. I fell in love with you for who you are and what you stand for, and I don't want you ever to think you need to compromise your beliefs to make me happy. You've never asked me to change, to be someone I'm not, and I don't want you to be someone you're not, either. You are who you are, and I wouldn't want you any other way."

She smiled pensively in the flickering light. "You know, there was a time when I wanted marriage more than anything in the world, wanted the entire town--the entire state--to know that we belonged to each other. But now, after all these years, that doesn't matter any more so long as we're together. You show me every day how much you care...the way your eyes darken with love and desire when you look at me across the room, the way you brush against my arm, the way your hand caresses the small of my back, the way you tip your hat each time you see me. Matt, you show me more love and respect every day than half the married women in this town see in a lifetime. No ring or piece of paper can take the place of that."

She turned the lamp down again and settled onto her side. Tugging the big lawman close, his face pressed into the sweet, soft valley between her breasts, she whispered into his tousled curls, "Whether you know it or not, Matt, we've been completely committed to each other for a long time. And no marriage vows could make our commitment any stronger or our love any deeper. We belong to each other, Cowboy, and I'm not leaving you; I'm not going anywhere. Now why don't you try to get some sleep?"

As he lifted his head to kiss her lips, the first light of early morning crept through the lace curtains to reflect all the love he felt for her shining in his clear blue eyes. With a smile and a low, "I have a feeling the entire state does know, Kitty," he lowered his face to her breast and slept.

#


End file.
